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The Times Not

Friday, March 24, 2017

Exclusive Report, Part 5: "Handguns in America"

NRA Urges Return to Dueling

Imagine someone cuts you off on the highway, or insults someone you love, or just looks at you funny. What are you going to do about it? If the National Rifle Association has its way, you'll deal with the problem in a civilized manner. With a duel. To the death.

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Tobacco Poised for Comeback With GOP

A long-time pariah among consumer products, tobacco —in particular cigarettes — is regaining conservative political support, according to a Republican source. "We're tired of accepting the liberal media's lie that smoking is bad for you," said an aide to a prominent Republican Senator. "What's next on the lib's hit list? Ice cream? Apple pie? Cracker Jack?"

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Zagat Unveils Politician Guide

Zagat Survey, LLC, best known for its user survey-based restaurant guides, is publishing a new title covering politicians in time for the 2016 elections, according to company co-founder Tim Zagat.

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Times Not Exclusive: Romney Secret Shower Tapes

The Times Not has obtained Jeb Bush’s secret surveillance tapes of Mitt Romney singing in the shower. Sung to the Frank Sinatra classic “Fly Me To The Moon,” Romney’s lyrics reveal a potential presidential candidate who now leads in most Republican polls for 2016.

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